You, do you remember me?,
Like, I remember you?
Do you spend your life, going back in your mind to that time?,
Cause I, I walk the streets alone,
I hate being on my own, and everyone can see that,
I really fell, and I'm going through hell.
Thinking about you with somebody else.

Somebody wants you,
Somebody needs you.
Somebody dreams about you every single night.
Somebody can't breathe, without you it's lonely.
Somebody hopes that one day you will see, that somebody's me.
That somebody's me.

How, how did we go wrong?
It was so good, and now it's gone,
And I pray at night, that our path's soon will cross.
What we had, isn't lost.
Cause you are always right here in my thoughts..

Somebody wants you,
Somebody needs you.
Somebody dreams about you every single night.
Somebody can't breathe, without you it's lonely.
Somebody hopes that someday you will see,
That somebody's me.

You will always be in my life, even if I'm not in your life.
Cause you're in my memory...

You, when you remember me?...
And before you set me free, oh listen please...

Somebody wants you,
Somebody needs you.
Somebody dreams about you every single night.
Somebody can't breathe, without you it's lonely.
Somebody hopes that someday you will see, that somebody's me.
That somebody's me.
Somebody's me...
That somebody's me...
That somebody's me...

Still cry over something that happened ages ago.
How stupid.

I don't know why it still hurts.
Where does the pain come from?
I have no desire but it still hurts.

Feel so depressed.
Don't want to be with anyone.
Tired of hinding my feelings, showing my happy face.

Will this ever stop? Years to waste and it's all my fault.
My fault, always my fault, my own fault.
Foolish.

I wasn't that happy but why I am this sad...
Why do I always try to be fair, reasonalble
while all things in the world have never been?
Foolish.

I miss you.

When I dream about someone in my sleep,
I always thought it must have meant something.
It's a sign, or whatever.
But it's not. A dream is just a dream.

I thought dream is our hidden desire, inner stress, or whatever,
I thought it meant something and try to figure out.
I just waste my time. It doesn't mean anything at all.

I have bad dream for no reason.
I have good dream for no reason.
And a dream is just a dream.

I prefer to sleep without any of it. So non-sense.

I must be crazy thinking of someone who no longer exists.
Keep on wondering and wondering...
I hate questions with no answer.
There are ways to find out but I don't bother trying.

People can be cruel but sometimes it's better that way.
Much better. I am too but for the opposite way.

Wake up each day, have no feeling for the job.
Go out each day with total stranger, thinking that I don't have to pay any attention to them.
Just one day or one night and we won't see each other again.
End up hurting myself more. Let it be.

Why is he..
How could he..
Why can't I..
Why do I...
What should I...
Do I..
Am I...

Then everything comes back to myself.
Let it be.

They say time can heal. Is that so?

I am letting the time pass by without doing anything.
How can things be different if I am not doing anything.

I had bad dream again.
I know I am still in love with him and want him to come back.
I also know that's impossible. That's why I never contact him.

If time cannot help, what should I do?

People complain many times working with them but not me. I am lucky to meet only good, nice and kind ones.

I remember there was only one known from BSU whom I disliked a lot and that gave me the wrong idea about all of them. Anyway, right now, I still hate that guy but, for others, I like them. I envy them sometimes that they are so clever. They always get better opportunities than we do.

I remember there was only one person who are not that smart, also known from BSU. I know so many of them and there's only one who is not!

Had bad dreams lately, don't know why.
He and I met again. Don't know who visit who.
He came to reject me again and again in my dreams.
So I feel sad again and again.
Why?

Now I know what happen to me...

beauty, brain, wealth, virtue

Hm...what to do...what to do..

Difficult difficult. Life is full of difficult things.

I don't know how to do my work.
I don't know how to how to get all I want.
I don't know how to handle my future.
I don't know why I create problem to myself.
I don't know why I create problem to other.
I don't know why I lie to him.
I don't now how to help that guy.
I don't know how to get rid of this guilt.

I don't know anything.....at all...

So tired today. All work came at the same time. Could finish only one of them and still have no idea about the others. It's really hard to work alone. No one to consult with.

It's so disappointed everytime to find out how a person lies. Act one thing in front of us and do the other thing behind us. Is it that hard to be honest? Yeah.. looks who's talking!

Sometimes, I just want to leave this company and find something else to do. I know he's leaving everything behind, but for whom? He wants to be with me and to get out of that place. Like they say, 2 birds with one stone. What about me? So many things to lose, one thing to gain. Is that thing worth it? Much more for him, how could he risk everything he has, and put so much faith in me?

May be he knows me better than I know myself. He knows my weakness. He must have known what I would do while I have no clue. I don't know. I don't really know. Again, I'll go with the flow. Whatever comes or doesn't come.

I always wanted to be alone, so I rejected everyone. There were times that I failed and fall for some lies. I was lucky that most of the time I wanted to be alone so when I was rejected by someone, I could go on living my life normally; though without heart.

Before I even realize it, I open my heart again. Then some people come along. Nothing is really going on, or something is going on. I don't really know what's going on. I play along and never think about what I might have gotten myself into.

I am a liar, cheater, making promises I never intended to keep. I am now all those things I always hate. But I am not worried coz I know that, in the end, they will all leave me again. When that happens, I will laugh and say, "Yeah..That's what I thought."

Life is simple when promises are not for keep.

The J-Festival has started. I have never been a part of it, never tell myself not to eat meat to give slaughters a break or to let those animal live a little longer (doubt it! they keep killing anyway).

I feel sorry for cow, pig, chicken, fish, and all other animal. If I start feeling sorry for vegetables, what will I eat??

Yeah.. I am selfish and I used to feel quilty about it but that doesn't do any good to me or anyone else. Now I stop feeling quilty and continue eating whatever I want. If that's a sin, I will pay my sin later, whenever, whatever.

On this first day of the festival, I had J for lunch. But my dad have prepared beef steak for me this evening. It's a sin to have beef. It's a sin to break my dad's heart. Well, I'll go to hell either way so I should make myself happy before going.

There are only 2 persons that I hate the most. One is the Thai guy I know from L.A., another is one of my classmates in Muncie.

Speaking of L.A., more people are coming to my mind. From my own experience, L.A. is the worst place to live. I spent several months there. Even though all bad things happened only to my friends and never to me, I still hate the place.

I did some big mistakes in the past so some people must have hated me too. I never regret for what I did because I still think it was a right thing to do at the time. It's not possible to please everyone.

When I give, I don't want anything in return because they only give the disappointment. More people means more disappointment.

My life is not totally screwed. There are some nice people I know and will never forget also.

Accident, paralyzed, death, dicease, fraud, jail, shattered family, broken hearts.

One hell of a year.

What else will happen till end of this year?

First time to visit jail. Even though I did nothing illegal, I was terrified by the place.

Saw both men and women behind bars, felt sorry for them. Such a horrible place to spend even a minute there.

Such a small mistake gave most terrible experience.

Just reminding me again how beautiful life I have had.
I've been living fine, don't you come near me again ever.

How can someone be so annoying? I thought I'm a very patient person. Have to think again.

30% raise only to keep me from relocation. Why can't I get what they say now that I deserve without doing such thing? Why can't people be more sincere? Are they nice or manipulative?

The answer is obvious. This is life. We can expect this anywhere in the world.

When I try hard, things don't get any better.
Then I try harder but it doesn't make any difference.

Sometimes, I just let it happen without doing anything
but still hope that it will be better by itself.
That won't do either.

So I guess I don't have any control.
But when I do bad things, I get consequences in no time.

Only few times in life to say 'I love you'
Did I or do I really?

I am so sad... again and again... and again...

I am fooled.. again and again... and again...

People lie again and again and again and again and always

I won't trust anyone again... how many time I have told this to myself... again and again and again....

Things can get worse and worse and worse..... falling and falling and falling.....

why did they come to me and hurt me?
why can't they just leave me alone?
come and go
come and go
Don't come again ever!

go away
go away
go away
go away

พี่ปาน... พี่ปาน... ตอนนี้พี่อยู่ไหนแล้ว สบายใจขึ้นรึยัง มีความสุขอยู่ใช่มั๊ย

นุทขอโทษพี่นะ ที่ไม่ได้คุยกับพี่วันนั้น พี่คงไม่พอใจ แต่พี่ใจร้ายนะ ไม่ให้นุทได้แก้ตัวเลย นุทเสียใจมาก เศร้ามาก แต่คงไม่เท่ากับที่นุททำร้ายความรู้สึกของพี่ ที่นุทไม่ได้ให้เวลากับพี่ยามที่พี่ต้องการ นุทเป็นคนแย่มากเลยใช่มั๊ย ไม่งั้นนุทก็คงจะมีโอกาสได้คุยกับพี่อีก ได้หัวเราะกันอีก ได้บ่นเรื่องชีวิต ได้บ่นเรื่องคนรอบข้าง ได้ระบายความรู้สึกอึดอัดออกมาบ้าง

นุทเสียใจนะ ที่พี่ตัดสินใจจากไปแบบนี้ แต่คงเทียบไม่ได้กับความรู้สึกของพ่อ แม่ ญาติพี่น้องของพี่ จริงอยู่ที่นุทเป็นแค่เพื่อนคุยของพี่ แต่นุทก็อดคิดไม่ได้ว่า เพียงถ้าวันนั้นนุทคุยกับพี่ซักหน่อย พี่อาจจะตัดสินใจทนอยู่บนโลกนี้ด้วยกันไปอีกนานๆ

พี่ปาน ... พี่ปาน ... นุทคงจะไม่ได้ยินเสียงตัวเองเรียกพี่แบบนี้อีก นุทบอกพี่รึยังนะ ว่านุทเสียใจมาก นุทเศร้ามาก
พี่ปาน... นุทต้องคอยบอกตัวเองนะ ว่าพี่ไปสบายแล้ว พี่จากไปในที่ที่สบายกว่านี้ มีความสุขกว่านี้ ไม่ต้องรู้สึกเบื่อกับคนรอบข้าง เหมือนที่เราเคยบ่นกัน
พี่ปาน... พี่ทำให้นุทคิดถึงคนรอบข้าง คนในครอบครัวมากขึ้นนะ สิ่งที่พี่ทำ เป็นสิ่งที่เตือนใจสำหรับทุกคน ว่าไม่ให้ละเลยคนที่เรารัก คนใกล้ชิด นุทจะไม่มีวันลืมพี่ได้เลยนะ พี่จะเป็นคนคอยเตือนสตินุทตั้งแต่วันนี้ ให้เอาใจใส่คนที่เรารัก ก่อนที่จะสายไป ...
พี่ปาน... ขอให้ไปสู่สุขตินะ
พี่ปาน...
พี่ปาน.... นุทบอกพี่รึยัง ว่านุทเสียใจ...

I am tired of being told what I should do.
Go out! See more people, have fun, and whatever.

Go out, only to see strangers.
See more people, only to hear more lies.
Have fun, .... cannot think of anything that's fun.

They think I am living a miserable life, clueless, lost, don't know the meaning of life.
Why do they think what makes them happy will make me happy?

No one has ever been be fully satisfied.
When we have one thing, we always move for the other, and other, and go on and on. All that just to make ourselves happy.

Why move from one thing to the other?
I am stopping now, staying still.
Not happy, not sad, nothing.

Hm..
Perhaps, I am living a miserable life, clueless, lost and don't know the meaning of life. So what?

Rainy Season

30th of July was the Buddhist Lent day. It's also the day the rainy season started and the monk would stay only in the temples. Buddishts were supposed to go to temples, offering food to the monks but I stayed home, sleeping. Just another day-off for me.

I cannot tell the different between summer and rainy season this year because it's been raining since beginning of summer till now. I was wondering how our rainy days would be like.

Today, when I woke up in the morning, walked outside the house. I could feel the cold breeze. Is winter coming early this year, way too early? I won't be surprised if it is. I am now used to the unusual climates in Thailand.

It's been 6 months or so. I don't know if I am okay now but, at least, I know I am getting used to it. Still think everyday. May be another 6 months will do.

Woke up this morning, feeling so terrible for no reason at all.
Felt like he was leaving me all over again.
The day went all wrong, couldn't control my temper most of the time.

Realize how I feel when I feel it.
Eliminate those feelings.
More like I've been repressing.

Hello friend sadness, I guess you've always been around.
Such a true friend.

Is this guy for real?
Humble, polite, keep promise, practical, persistent, straight and single.

Probably another liar.

Met same old friend,
went to same place for a movie,
had dinner at the same restaurant,
ordered the same food.

I am one person with one friend,
and completely different with another.

Who am I really?
Do I like japanese food, action movie, and travelling?
Or it's them.

Should I ignore them all and do whatever please me?
But have to do it alone...
Why am I so different from them?

Had a dream last night.
I know dreams reflect our desires, even hidden ones.
I know what my desires are, and my dream was just saying...
yeah..I know that's what you want... but it won't happen.

First week that I stay home after several weekends of travelling.
I am feeling bored again.
Must plan some more trip for each weekend to come.

The buddha says I have to be conscious at all time, to realize what I feel when I feel it.

If I am feeling upset, I must realize it as soon as it starts and try to understand the cause. Then when I know the cause, I will be able to fix it by letting go and I won't be upset any more.

That goes for other feelings also, love, like, mad, happy, sad, jealous, or whatever.

Most of the time, I think all feelings are caused by others but actually they come from inside me. If I can learn how to take control, I'll be fine.

I must also learn that ...
To give something that I won't actually lose anything is to forgive.
To beg for something that people will never despise is to beg for forgiveness.

Hard thing to do.

I don't know why I cannot get out of these thoughts and feelings. Someone says I have to pay for what I did in the past.

There were only few things that I did and make me regret till today. Why do I have to suffer for long time?

They also say I have to pay for what I did in my previous life or lives. I think that's bull shit. If those really existed, why do I have to pay for something I don't even remember about?

If these systems in the world were created by someone or something like they said. I think she/he did a rally bad job.

Life sucks!

Plan a trip to Singapore. Seems it will be raining everyday. Plan some outdoor events, I guess indoor ones need to be considered also, just in case.

Had dinner with friends from undergrad school. How long have it been?? 12 years...but they're exactly the same. Lives have not changed much for us. Studied and studied in school, now work work work. 10 years from now, probably will be the same.

birthday yesterday.

Went to floating market, spent only an hour there.
Had lunch and bought some sweets.
Didn't like sweet but wanted to try coz they looked good.
And also tasted good...

Then went to Don Hoi Lord, sun was too strong.
Tried to go to where people were to pick those shells.
Failed. Too slipery, too deep, too far. Wouldn't make it in time.

Rain came and so heavily.

Catch a cold today and take a day off mostly coz didn't feel like going to office.

Don't know how long it has been.
Seem so long time since ...
Am I feeling better or worse?

But I know that I still love.

Way Back into Love

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need em again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night

I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end

Alone

Don't know what I did.
But must have been so wrong.
Nobody speaks with me.

Left alone.
Is this the hell they talked about?
It's not that bad.

Felt like going crazy before.
But not any more.

Whatever. Let it be.

Ran into

Why do you look so sad?

Maybe I am wrong.
You couldn't be sad.
I am the sad one.
You must be happy that I am out of your life.

Yes, you are.

Birthday

Embrance Reality

When you deny the reality of life, you appreciate it less. Meditate on the Buddha's Five Remembrances and rediscover the magic of life just as it is.

I am of the nature to grow old.
There is no way to escape growing old.

I am of the nature to have ill health.
There is no way to escape ill health.

I am of the nature to die.
There is no way to escape death.

All that is dear to me and everyone I love
are the nature to change.

There is no way to escape
being separated from them.

My actions are my only true belongings.
I cannot escape the consequences of my actions.

My actions are the ground upon which I stand.

By Thich Nhat Hanh

Thich Nhat Hanh‎

The ocean of suffering is immense, but if you turn around, you can see the land. The seed of suffering in you may be strong, but don't wait until you have no more suffering before allowing yourself to be happy.

When one tree in the garden is sick, you have to care for it. But don't overlook all the healthy trees. Even while you have pain in your heart, you can enjoy the many wonders of life - the beautiful sunset, the smile of a child, the many flowers and trees. To suffer is not enough. Please don't be imprisoned by your suffering. If you have experienced hunger, you know that having food is a miracle. If you have suffered from the cold, you know the preciousness of warmth. When you have suffered, you know how to appreciate the elements of paradise that are present.

If you dwell only in your suffering, you will miss paradise. Don't ignore your suffering, but don't forget to enjoy the wonders of life, for your sake and for the benefit of many beings.

Change the job might help.

Thought writing helps.
Obviously not.

All guys are the same.

A smart person makes everyone happy.
A selfish person makes himself happy.
A stupid person makes others happy without making himself happy.

I not only can't make myself happy but also make everyone around me unhappy.

I had a good life.
I was happy.
Why am I letting one person ruin everything?

Keep going down and down.
Already hurt others.
Already made mistakes.
Things are already done.
I'll go all the way.

We die eventually, why bother?

They say after we cry, we will feel better.
That's not true.

Hell

I killed a toad today. It didn't die immediatly. Saw it try to jump but its flat body was too sticky with blood. It's dark so I couldn't see well but I can tell.

A taxi was coming. I was hoping that taxi would put that toad out of its misery but it didn't. I couldn't look at him any longer. Felt so terrible, and so sorry.

I can't imagine how much worse my cousin felt when he ran over a kitten.

I am sorry,toad. Terribly sorry.

Lin

12 years ago, had a ski trip with Chinese Student Association. Only 4 of us were Thai and many of chinese students were our classmates. Had a lot of fun skiing for the first time in NY.

On the way back, we stopped by one the the famous caves but didn't pay much attention to it. Just a cave, I thoght. We walked down inside the cave. It was like other caves I'd been to. I saw in the cave the stones looking like fried-eggs; then, I remembered I had been in this cave before. I was so excited.

The reason I was excited was because, 12 years earlier, I was here with my family. I remembered there was also a wishing well. My mother told me to make a wish and it would come true. So I got my coin and started wishing. I didn't believe it at that time so I just wished that I would come back here again. I think I forgot all about it within that day.

12 years later, I was there again. It took as long as 12 years for my wish to come true. We kept walking in the cave and there it was, the wishing well. So I though of making another wish. I got the coin in my hand and made a wish. It was just a funny thought but I really hoped it would come true.

Another 12 years have passed, and today , the wish I made has really come true. I know it's just a coincidence but, whatever it is, I am glad it really happens.

Something to do

Got nothing to do so drove to the beach the other day. Many people there coz it was a long holiday. Sat on one of the beach chairs, sellers started coming to sell food, drinks, and snacks. Bought some snacks and drink but wasn't really hungry.

It was late afternoon so the sunshine wasn't so strong. Saw kids playing, building small mountain from sand. Many people were in the sea, floating here and there. Some on jetski, banaba boats, and parachutes.

Laying down doing nothing but watching them playing, running, strolling along the seashore. Seemed like my brain was totally empty. Nothing to think about.

The sun was setting. Even though the sky was clear but couldn't see the sun touching the sea because there were clouds at the horizon. The last time I saw a beautiful view of the sunset was 3 years ago, at the country club, Tel Aviv, Israel. The most beautiful sunset I've ever seen.

Driving back to BKK at night, not much traffic. Reached home before midnight. No one knew where I went.

Summer 07

Summer has begun a long time ago but it feels more like a rainy season. It was hot for a few days; then, from Thai New Year's day, it has never stopped raining.

It's good in a way that we don't have to suffer the hot weather so much. During winter, in the beginning of the year, it was so cold for a long period of time. We thought it would be extreamly hot in summer.

But we are experiencing a very wierd weather. Greenhouse effect, they say. I wonder if that movie of Al gore didn't come out, will they ever realize this fact? The movie was bad though. Understand why it's getting warmer but don't know why it's also colder in winter and brings more rain. Anyway, it gives a very good influence to Thai people, and I guess, to lots of people around the world.

Rain rain rain, it's raining even now. Most people don't like it but I do. He likes rain also and I guess he likes to go out in the rain and get wet. I don't like being wet. I don't like driving in the rain either. Can't see well and I don't trust my ABS.

I wonder how it will be like in rainy season this year.

there is someone waiting
she asks herself repeatedly
will it ever happen?

it seems so long and hopeless
lost, tiring, and endless
how many years
how many days are left for her to live
until her wish will come true

she's not blind but she refuses to see
she chooses to torture herself with this illusion
day seems so long and night hardly ends

how many years
how many days are left for her to live
will it ever happen?

I hate long holidays, always makes everything worse.

Why do I want to be out of the pain?
Perhaps, the pain is good.
Happiness doesn't stay but the pain does.

People try to find happiness when pain is always around.
Why don't we live with pain? It's the only thing that is always there.

I wonder how you have been since January. Haven't heard any news from you, there's no way to know how you are doing. But I guess you are happy with your life as usual. Especially happy with the girl you love.

It's been more than 3 months and there is not a day I don't think of you. I have to stop myself everyday not to write to you. Only because I still not ready to hear all about your happiness with that girl. There are too much pain now that I can't handle. So I am not ready.

I wonder everyday why I have so much feelings for you. I doubt why not even a fraction has left me. All my feelings are still with me. I still cry every night. Now I know those women didn't lie when they siad they cried every night for months.

I don't want to be like them but there's nothing I can do.

Worst thing is I pray everyday for you to come back.

How can I get over you?

letter

Three months have passed.
Only one of us is happy.

Another hard time

It's been 3 months but the pain is still with me. Looks like it has no where else to go. I cry almost everynight thinking about the things that will never come back to me. Things that will never happen to me again.

It's really hard to stop myself from thinking of him. Well, actually, I never stop myself. There are times that I want to write him and ask him how he is doing. But then I know the answers. He's happy with his life. He is not thinking about me at all. Or maybe he wonder how I am doing but I don't want that. I want him back to be the same. If not, he'd better stay away from me like this always.

It's hard living my life, trying to get through each day. I really have lost ability to enjoy. Worst, I make people around me worry about me.

How long will this continue? I have lost all my strength and feel so weak. I don't know what keep me alive each day.

I am just a body without any soul.

Worst Time of My Life

It's the first time when I feel this is the worst period of time in my life.
I don't know how long I can hold this.
There are things that I can do about it but I don't give a damn.

And things will continue getting worse and worse each day.
Let it be.
I feel my head will explode someday.
Sometimes, I think I am better off dead.

They say things will pass.
We can go through all hard times.
I doubt if things will ever be the same.

I have lost all people I love this year.
Will I regret I let them go because I felt there's no need to beg when they decided to go?

Can anyone live the life alone?
I guess so. If not, it won't be long that I do.

First sign of progress

Today, I start to feel that the pain is going away. I start to understand that the pain comes from the fact that I am losing the feeling of being special to someone. Now that feelings are gone so I feel like I am left alone in this world and I am worthless.

I still have a lot of love from my family but I guess, for human being, only that kind of love is not enough. It's just human nature that we need to love and be loved. We can't change that. The needs will always be there but we have ability to ignore some of them. It's not a hard thing to do, actually, to ignore some of those feelings. However, to balance what's essential and what's not so we can still live in this world happily is difficult.

I remember the time I can live my life happily. I think I am getting there again. Of course, I am getting there.

Another hard day

Recectly, I just couldn't control my feelings well. I couldn't stop thinking of him. I wanted to write him badly but, then, when I think of he having good time with his girl, I just couldn't write him and know what's going on from his side and put myself in to deeper pain.

The idea of him being happy with another girl, like the way I used to feel with him is unbearable. I want to cry everytime when I think about this.

This year is so bad. Many things have happened to my life, mostly bad things. I don't know how long and how much I can handle them. Each thing makes me feel so depressed and I don't know how long I can control my emotion. People start seeing something's wrong.

I have isolated myself from others so I don't have to answer all those questions. It won't do any good to anyone or to myself. I'll just wait for all the things to go away by themselves. Nothing I can do or want to do. The sadness is just like the happiness. It comes and goes.

Memory

Around this time last year, I met him. I was frustrated with my work and the cold I had. We shared the small cubical. I was gald, at least, I had someone to talk to.

It turned out he was very caring while other didn't pay much attention to me. It was good to have a friend while in a foreign country. I didn't have any feelings for him until I noticed something in his tone when talking to me. Then things grew from what he did to/for me.

Guys always started these things but then left us alone with tears. I wished I never went to US and never met him.

Why jerks are jerks

I cannot understand why some people can be a real jerk sometimes. I try to think about why they are doing such things, terrible things to other people. What can drive them to be heartless and selfish S.O.B.

Day whatever

I don't know how many days it has been since the pain started. I am not really keeping track of the time. I just know until today I still feel the same. Probably, the pain is my close friend now.

I have come to realize why people do stupid things after a broken heart. I am too doing something irrational. I have put myself at risk that I never thought I would do in this life time under a normal circumstance. When I think about it, the things I have been doing might lead to my untimely death, like we often saw in the first page of the local newspaper.

We tend to lose the ability to decide what's right and wrong. Don't even care how risky it could be, incapable of seeing the danger or possibilities of the dangers. Well, even though we can see it but pretending not to see it anyway. Or simply 'I don't give a damn about what will happen to me'.

My life depends solely on luck now. Whatever will happen, I'll let it be. I know I'll regret this but I don't give a damn!

Another day in pain

Received his mail, saying he won't disturb me again EVER. It's exactly what I wanted but when he said it out loud I felt really bad, and hurt. However, this is for the best. I can't feel worse than this anyway.

Am I making mistake to be out of his life?
Not only his, but also his whole family's.
I am hurt when I hear about him from his family.
I am hurt when he shows that he only cares but not love.
I am hurt when thinking I am close to them but will never be part of them.
So, this is for the best.

I guess I have to go through all these feelings for that best thing.
Best things are always expensive.

Start over again

After a month has passed, without any contact with him, I did pretty good on trying to forget what had happened.

Go to work, chat with someone new, go out with someone new. It helped. Friends told I would be over it fast if I could find some other guy to be with. It worked but it didn't feel right.
I think it's kind of selfish and unfair to that new guy. But they say there's no fair games in love anyway. So I went out with him without second thought.

Things had been improved then ... he sent e-mail to me, asking how I was doing. I realized immediately i have been fooling myself and, worse, fooling somebody else. My feelings for him have never changed, they were repressed to a dark corner of my heart. They will always be sitting there and wait to be provoked by him.

I decided again to tell the new guy what I was doing to him. Now he leaves me. I must have hurt him too the way I am hurt by the first guy.

I decided also to forget all the things in the past. It's difficult. But I have set only one destination for myself, I must succeed.

Life is just life, it's us who make it unfair. There's no reason I should do such things to others.
The first time I feel guilty for what I did. I knew it's wrong and I still did it. I can't blame anyone because it's me who did it, no matter why I did it.

how long?

How long does it take to mend a broken heart?
A week, a month, a year, or a decade?

With this most special friend, known him since 1995. Didn't know how and when we became special to each other but it's there somehow. Then he decided to be with someone else, never asked him why.

I was hurt but we decided to continue our special friendship. More than friends, like lovers, but in a way that only two of us would understand. It turns out we are trapped in this special someone kind of thing. More than friends, like lovers, it becomes a promise that I can't break.
I have no doubt about my feelings for him but I know it's just an illusion. Or perhaps, he cares for me so much that he doesn't want to leave me alone, without knowing it hurt me even more. We don't think about it much and keep that conflict in our minds. And before we knew it, our 10th anniversary had come.

Now, another broken heart with exactly the same reason and he also wants to be friend. But I refused this time. Don't want to be in this situation with another man.

I am hurt again, badly. I don't know why it hurts more this time.
I wonder how long it will take to be okay.
A week, a month, a year, or another decade?

After a month

Nights are lonely
The days are so sad
I just keep thinking about
The day that we had

And I'm missing you
And nobody knows it but me

Another friend in similar situation

Got a phone call from a friend, known her from secondary school, asking for a direction to some destination in BKK. She's originally from BKK but, like me, has no clue about streets and highway in the city. And she's calling me for help!!

She got an interview with some company near my office. So that, I can help. Had a very short conversation but called her again in the evening to catch up with things.

I don't usually hang out much with friends but I can say, in those rare time, she's the one whom I hang out with the most. We went to nine temples together, had lunch or dinner together. She used to mention something about having problem with guys but when I asked for more explanation, she changed the subject.

This time, she told me it's been 3 months since she broke up with her boyfriend so I came to realized she's been in a recovery stage like me. But 3 months have passed for her and she still couldn't talk about what happened. I began to see my future. Mine is only 3 weeks. Very long time to go....for the both of us. Huh....

Right Sizing

In LIU, learned the right-sizing strategy, never thought I'd be in that situation.

At the end of January, the site manager announced the company needed to lay off some employees. Our site is small but there's no exception. Two of my colleagues were selected and it was so sudden. I understand the need but the way he did was so unacceptable.

After calling each one of the two personally to break out the bad news, he insisted that they left the office immediately. Both were girls. One of them took it in a hard way, she couldn't stop crying and still couldn't understand why it had to be her. Everybody else had gone for lunch. I just happened to skip lunch that day so I had witnessed everything.

The girl was still in shock and tried to collect her belongings into her bag. I was with her to help and tried to console her. I felt really bad and could help end up crying with her. The site manager came to us and made us leave the office before everybody else came back from lunch. He did that repeatedly till we left the office. He told her to come back tomorrow for her stuff. I think that was cruel. He just took a job from her and now he's chasing her away just because he didn't want to see a scene in his office!!

I walked her out of the office and then the other victim came back from lunch. She was alone with the site manager while everybody else was still at lunch break and, worse, she was my teammate. I came back after spending times with the first girl who's my close colleague, just to find out my teammate was laid off too. And I didn't even have time to be with her when she left the office.

The internal meeting was held immediately after everybody was back from the break. It was a big shock for everyone and we couldn't concentrate on our work that whole afternoon. We are such a small site and we think the money the company spend on us was so less that they wouldn't take us into account. We have always been the forgetten site but now our site is one of the target of getting rid off.

Well, business is business. I hate when they say these things happen. I just can't accept that we, the operation level employees, are always the victim of the failure of their management.

Friend in the similar situation 2

She called me again and told that the guy broke up with her. I felt sorry for her.

People say she's lucky, that jerk is out of her life. I agree and so does she. However, the feelings are unrelated. We can't just ignore the fact that someone we care the most is now out of our life for good.

Each person must have taken it in different way. I wonder when we, woman, got broke up by a guy, do we feel the same thing?

After realizing that things won't be the same, I felt like he has taken all my happiness out of me, out of every single cell within me. I felt like I have lost the ability to feel all kind of joys that exist in this world. I felt like I have lost a big thing that previously live within me, the thing that was so essential. I felt like I was falling but nobody was there to catch me. It's so painful and torturous. I couldn't even ask any questions because it would only make me feel more painful. I couldn't hear another word out of him because each one of them just cut deeper into my heart. The most painful sentence was "I am sorry". And how can he say I was the last person in the world that he wanted to hurt while I am now the only person in this world whom he has hurt repeatedly.

I won't blame him for being another guy who has to leave me. I won't blame him for what he did or didn't do. I don't understand what had happened but I understand that I am not the one. I will blame only my destiny that brought the chance to meet him and then took him away.

My friend cried and kept on talking. It's so sad that women always have to cry for men. Listening to my friend just reminded me of those things I have avoided thinking of. It made me even sadder. It will take a while for both of us to get over it but, at least, we are two people, who are suffering with the same thing.

We are lucky. At least, we are not crying alone.

Friend in the similar situation

An old friend called me today. It's been years we have not kept in touch but she called today. She had problem with her boyfriend.

She was crying and didn't know where to turn to. It's just a perfect time that I myself have some problems too. I didn't tell her my story but only listened to hers. Tried to console her and knew exactly how she felt. People around here told her to break up with the guy but I suggested the opposite. I know it won't help her to suggest such option. I know she won't be able to break up with him. She had talked to some friends. Now she called me. So I think she's looking for someone who can be on her side. I know what she wanted to do, to work things out with the guy, even though he is such an asshole.

Love makes people blind and live in denial. It's useless to tell her to get him out of her life. She wants to work things out so let her do it. Then one day, if things can't be better, she will decide to get out on her own.

It is always hard for woman to admit that all guys are the same and we have to live with that fact if we can't let go. Someday women will learn how to live without guys. If the guy can't improve themselves, it will, someday, become the end of human race. We, women, are learning to live by ourselves. We are evolving while guys focus only on their desires.

They say good guys exist but I think it's just their hopes. So sad.

What do we learn from this? There are many good qualities in guys but each guy possesses only one of them. If you can find many good qualities in a guy, probably, he is a girl.

Recovery, no progress

Each morning when I wake up, I still feel so depressed. Can't help thinking about him. The idea of not having him in my life is still so painful.

Sometimes, I have to prevent myself from thinking of him but then I think it just postpones the pain or I am just fooling myself that I don't feel anything. I've been telling myself not to think but is it really a good way?

It's getting harder each day. I think I am going to cry again soon.

Recovery 1

Sometimes, I think I want to send him an e-mail letting him know that I will be gone for a while... to heal my heart. But then I think, he might not be interested in knowing what I have to go through or how I am doing. My e-mail will just annoy him and probably make him uncomfortable. Besides, he's having someone else. I should let him be happy with her.

I remember the time when I refused a guy, I never had any thought of and care for that guy after that. I don't believe in karma but I start to think what I had done is getting right back to me. Or... maybe not, we're just two people who didn't share the same feelings. I did what I had to do so now he did what he had to do. No need to ask questions. The answers might be just the excuses, or lies which attempted to comfort us but in vain.

I am still luckier than some people. I heard a story from a colleague today about a young couple, newly wedded in US. They spent a happy time together for a year there. They planned to get married again in Thailand. Everything seemed to be perfect and went on smoothly but then they had a car accident. Only the girl survived. The wedding had became a funeral. It's such a heart breaking story. I cannot imagine how the girl would continue her life. How could she survive the pain of losing someone she's deeply in love with?

I have heard a lot of tragic love stories. I cannot imagine how anyone could get through this kind of things. What I have experienced now consider to be less than a fraction of what they had been through. At least, he's living happily with the girl he loves. At least, there're two, out of three people, who are very happy.

I won't spend too much time in grief. I consider myself to be lucky, to experience another happiest moment in my life, to feel the care, to give love, to care for someone, to give all my trust. He's very special to me and I will keep this memory with me always.

Obsessed

Wake up this morning, it's still the first thing I think about. Feel so terrible and painful to realize that things have changed, or worse, haven't even existed.

Remember when people say they feel like there is a big hole in the heart, feel like something is missing, feel the emptiness, don't know how to live wihtout him, what to do without him, those kind of feelings. I am experiencing them all.

Start to see I have so many free time and those times are used to think about him only. That needs to be changed. I need to go out more with other people, to keep me away from being alone, to occupy my mind with something else.

This pain must go away. Hope it does very soon.

Happy New Year 2007

I cannot think of the new year resolution. I guess I am pleased with my life. Not that I have everything but I am happy with all the things I have. Or maybe I am just lazy and nothing interests me.