Worst Time of My Life

It's the first time when I feel this is the worst period of time in my life.
I don't know how long I can hold this.
There are things that I can do about it but I don't give a damn.

And things will continue getting worse and worse each day.
Let it be.
I feel my head will explode someday.
Sometimes, I think I am better off dead.

They say things will pass.
We can go through all hard times.
I doubt if things will ever be the same.

I have lost all people I love this year.
Will I regret I let them go because I felt there's no need to beg when they decided to go?

Can anyone live the life alone?
I guess so. If not, it won't be long that I do.

First sign of progress

Today, I start to feel that the pain is going away. I start to understand that the pain comes from the fact that I am losing the feeling of being special to someone. Now that feelings are gone so I feel like I am left alone in this world and I am worthless.

I still have a lot of love from my family but I guess, for human being, only that kind of love is not enough. It's just human nature that we need to love and be loved. We can't change that. The needs will always be there but we have ability to ignore some of them. It's not a hard thing to do, actually, to ignore some of those feelings. However, to balance what's essential and what's not so we can still live in this world happily is difficult.

I remember the time I can live my life happily. I think I am getting there again. Of course, I am getting there.

Another hard day

Recectly, I just couldn't control my feelings well. I couldn't stop thinking of him. I wanted to write him badly but, then, when I think of he having good time with his girl, I just couldn't write him and know what's going on from his side and put myself in to deeper pain.

The idea of him being happy with another girl, like the way I used to feel with him is unbearable. I want to cry everytime when I think about this.

This year is so bad. Many things have happened to my life, mostly bad things. I don't know how long and how much I can handle them. Each thing makes me feel so depressed and I don't know how long I can control my emotion. People start seeing something's wrong.

I have isolated myself from others so I don't have to answer all those questions. It won't do any good to anyone or to myself. I'll just wait for all the things to go away by themselves. Nothing I can do or want to do. The sadness is just like the happiness. It comes and goes.

Memory

Around this time last year, I met him. I was frustrated with my work and the cold I had. We shared the small cubical. I was gald, at least, I had someone to talk to.

It turned out he was very caring while other didn't pay much attention to me. It was good to have a friend while in a foreign country. I didn't have any feelings for him until I noticed something in his tone when talking to me. Then things grew from what he did to/for me.

Guys always started these things but then left us alone with tears. I wished I never went to US and never met him.

Why jerks are jerks

I cannot understand why some people can be a real jerk sometimes. I try to think about why they are doing such things, terrible things to other people. What can drive them to be heartless and selfish S.O.B.

Day whatever

I don't know how many days it has been since the pain started. I am not really keeping track of the time. I just know until today I still feel the same. Probably, the pain is my close friend now.

I have come to realize why people do stupid things after a broken heart. I am too doing something irrational. I have put myself at risk that I never thought I would do in this life time under a normal circumstance. When I think about it, the things I have been doing might lead to my untimely death, like we often saw in the first page of the local newspaper.

We tend to lose the ability to decide what's right and wrong. Don't even care how risky it could be, incapable of seeing the danger or possibilities of the dangers. Well, even though we can see it but pretending not to see it anyway. Or simply 'I don't give a damn about what will happen to me'.

My life depends solely on luck now. Whatever will happen, I'll let it be. I know I'll regret this but I don't give a damn!

Another day in pain

Received his mail, saying he won't disturb me again EVER. It's exactly what I wanted but when he said it out loud I felt really bad, and hurt. However, this is for the best. I can't feel worse than this anyway.

Am I making mistake to be out of his life?
Not only his, but also his whole family's.
I am hurt when I hear about him from his family.
I am hurt when he shows that he only cares but not love.
I am hurt when thinking I am close to them but will never be part of them.
So, this is for the best.

I guess I have to go through all these feelings for that best thing.
Best things are always expensive.

Start over again

After a month has passed, without any contact with him, I did pretty good on trying to forget what had happened.

Go to work, chat with someone new, go out with someone new. It helped. Friends told I would be over it fast if I could find some other guy to be with. It worked but it didn't feel right.
I think it's kind of selfish and unfair to that new guy. But they say there's no fair games in love anyway. So I went out with him without second thought.

Things had been improved then ... he sent e-mail to me, asking how I was doing. I realized immediately i have been fooling myself and, worse, fooling somebody else. My feelings for him have never changed, they were repressed to a dark corner of my heart. They will always be sitting there and wait to be provoked by him.

I decided again to tell the new guy what I was doing to him. Now he leaves me. I must have hurt him too the way I am hurt by the first guy.

I decided also to forget all the things in the past. It's difficult. But I have set only one destination for myself, I must succeed.

Life is just life, it's us who make it unfair. There's no reason I should do such things to others.
The first time I feel guilty for what I did. I knew it's wrong and I still did it. I can't blame anyone because it's me who did it, no matter why I did it.

how long?

How long does it take to mend a broken heart?
A week, a month, a year, or a decade?

With this most special friend, known him since 1995. Didn't know how and when we became special to each other but it's there somehow. Then he decided to be with someone else, never asked him why.

I was hurt but we decided to continue our special friendship. More than friends, like lovers, but in a way that only two of us would understand. It turns out we are trapped in this special someone kind of thing. More than friends, like lovers, it becomes a promise that I can't break.
I have no doubt about my feelings for him but I know it's just an illusion. Or perhaps, he cares for me so much that he doesn't want to leave me alone, without knowing it hurt me even more. We don't think about it much and keep that conflict in our minds. And before we knew it, our 10th anniversary had come.

Now, another broken heart with exactly the same reason and he also wants to be friend. But I refused this time. Don't want to be in this situation with another man.

I am hurt again, badly. I don't know why it hurts more this time.
I wonder how long it will take to be okay.
A week, a month, a year, or another decade?