I miss you.

When I dream about someone in my sleep,
I always thought it must have meant something.
It's a sign, or whatever.
But it's not. A dream is just a dream.

I thought dream is our hidden desire, inner stress, or whatever,
I thought it meant something and try to figure out.
I just waste my time. It doesn't mean anything at all.

I have bad dream for no reason.
I have good dream for no reason.
And a dream is just a dream.

I prefer to sleep without any of it. So non-sense.

I must be crazy thinking of someone who no longer exists.
Keep on wondering and wondering...
I hate questions with no answer.
There are ways to find out but I don't bother trying.

People can be cruel but sometimes it's better that way.
Much better. I am too but for the opposite way.

Wake up each day, have no feeling for the job.
Go out each day with total stranger, thinking that I don't have to pay any attention to them.
Just one day or one night and we won't see each other again.
End up hurting myself more. Let it be.

Why is he..
How could he..
Why can't I..
Why do I...
What should I...
Do I..
Am I...

Then everything comes back to myself.
Let it be.

They say time can heal. Is that so?

I am letting the time pass by without doing anything.
How can things be different if I am not doing anything.

I had bad dream again.
I know I am still in love with him and want him to come back.
I also know that's impossible. That's why I never contact him.

If time cannot help, what should I do?

People complain many times working with them but not me. I am lucky to meet only good, nice and kind ones.

I remember there was only one known from BSU whom I disliked a lot and that gave me the wrong idea about all of them. Anyway, right now, I still hate that guy but, for others, I like them. I envy them sometimes that they are so clever. They always get better opportunities than we do.

I remember there was only one person who are not that smart, also known from BSU. I know so many of them and there's only one who is not!

Had bad dreams lately, don't know why.
He and I met again. Don't know who visit who.
He came to reject me again and again in my dreams.
So I feel sad again and again.
Why?

Now I know what happen to me...

beauty, brain, wealth, virtue

Hm...what to do...what to do..

Difficult difficult. Life is full of difficult things.

I don't know how to do my work.
I don't know how to how to get all I want.
I don't know how to handle my future.
I don't know why I create problem to myself.
I don't know why I create problem to other.
I don't know why I lie to him.
I don't now how to help that guy.
I don't know how to get rid of this guilt.

I don't know anything.....at all...

So tired today. All work came at the same time. Could finish only one of them and still have no idea about the others. It's really hard to work alone. No one to consult with.

It's so disappointed everytime to find out how a person lies. Act one thing in front of us and do the other thing behind us. Is it that hard to be honest? Yeah.. looks who's talking!

Sometimes, I just want to leave this company and find something else to do. I know he's leaving everything behind, but for whom? He wants to be with me and to get out of that place. Like they say, 2 birds with one stone. What about me? So many things to lose, one thing to gain. Is that thing worth it? Much more for him, how could he risk everything he has, and put so much faith in me?

May be he knows me better than I know myself. He knows my weakness. He must have known what I would do while I have no clue. I don't know. I don't really know. Again, I'll go with the flow. Whatever comes or doesn't come.

I always wanted to be alone, so I rejected everyone. There were times that I failed and fall for some lies. I was lucky that most of the time I wanted to be alone so when I was rejected by someone, I could go on living my life normally; though without heart.

Before I even realize it, I open my heart again. Then some people come along. Nothing is really going on, or something is going on. I don't really know what's going on. I play along and never think about what I might have gotten myself into.

I am a liar, cheater, making promises I never intended to keep. I am now all those things I always hate. But I am not worried coz I know that, in the end, they will all leave me again. When that happens, I will laugh and say, "Yeah..That's what I thought."

Life is simple when promises are not for keep.

The J-Festival has started. I have never been a part of it, never tell myself not to eat meat to give slaughters a break or to let those animal live a little longer (doubt it! they keep killing anyway).

I feel sorry for cow, pig, chicken, fish, and all other animal. If I start feeling sorry for vegetables, what will I eat??

Yeah.. I am selfish and I used to feel quilty about it but that doesn't do any good to me or anyone else. Now I stop feeling quilty and continue eating whatever I want. If that's a sin, I will pay my sin later, whenever, whatever.

On this first day of the festival, I had J for lunch. But my dad have prepared beef steak for me this evening. It's a sin to have beef. It's a sin to break my dad's heart. Well, I'll go to hell either way so I should make myself happy before going.

There are only 2 persons that I hate the most. One is the Thai guy I know from L.A., another is one of my classmates in Muncie.

Speaking of L.A., more people are coming to my mind. From my own experience, L.A. is the worst place to live. I spent several months there. Even though all bad things happened only to my friends and never to me, I still hate the place.

I did some big mistakes in the past so some people must have hated me too. I never regret for what I did because I still think it was a right thing to do at the time. It's not possible to please everyone.

When I give, I don't want anything in return because they only give the disappointment. More people means more disappointment.

My life is not totally screwed. There are some nice people I know and will never forget also.

Accident, paralyzed, death, dicease, fraud, jail, shattered family, broken hearts.

One hell of a year.

What else will happen till end of this year?

First time to visit jail. Even though I did nothing illegal, I was terrified by the place.

Saw both men and women behind bars, felt sorry for them. Such a horrible place to spend even a minute there.

Such a small mistake gave most terrible experience.

Just reminding me again how beautiful life I have had.
I've been living fine, don't you come near me again ever.